04494e751e23499d859838ca08911e02

Great Expectations

Sat, 23 Dec 2023 21:22:46 GMT

Great Expectations

When I became a mother years ago, our first family Christmas together as three arrived with hope and expectation for what the holiday would look, smell, and sound like for years to come. Our perfect tree would glisten with hundreds of lights and handmade ornaments from my son. When he got older, we’d bake and decorate gingerbread cookies, filling the air with the sweet aroma of the season. One day, I’d hear him recite the beautifully familiar words of Luke 2 with his classmates at our church’s children’s service.

Seven years and a few diagnoses later, my great Christmas expectations are quite a bit different than a younger me had dreamed. Our beautiful gift from God does not have the attention or interest needed to create the sweet Christmas ornaments that his siblings eagerly make and hang on our tree. In fact, the tree has become quite top-heavy as we daily move more ornaments toward the sparkling angel above so that my son does not try to use them as sensory chewies. His fine motor skills make cookie-decorating challenging and frustrating (though eating them is still a joy!). My son’s voice does not function as a typical child’s does, so we may never hear him announce the arrival of baby Jesus with his classmates and the angels in Bethlehem.

The reality of my son’s condition has required us to adjust our great expectations. For families with similar journeys, these reminders of our world’s brokenness can shatter our hearts at times. Although the sweet baby born to me seven years ago is not quite the same as we anticipated, our long-expected Jesus has still saved each of us by his humble birth, perfect life, redeeming sacrifice, and glorious resurrection. God made flesh, born in Bethlehem long ago means that Christmas is about so much more than the beautiful traditions we’ve come to enjoy and expect. It means that one day my son will use his own voice to sing “Gloria” for eternity with me and the entire host in heaven. I cling to that Christmas joy with eager hope and great expectation.

“Glory to God in the highest!” Luke 2:14

By Becky Grefe

Note: If your Christmas expectations have had to change because your child becomes very dysregulated around the holidays or even sabotages Christmas, you may find understanding and ideas here: https://christianfamilysolutions.org/2023/12/12/children-and-challenging-behavior-when-your-child-sabotages-christmas/

Parenting a Child with Disabilities: One Parent’s Typical Week

Sun, 23 Apr 2023 23:56:09 GMT

Parenting a Child with Disabilities: One Parent’s Typical Week

In my last blog post, I began sharing what I learned from an interview I had with my friend, Kiara, who is the mother of a daughter with mild cerebral palsy (CP). I too have a daughter with a physical disability. She was born with a rare heart condition known as Ventricular Inversion with and L-transposition of the Great Artery of the heart also known as LTGA. Years later this experience has led me to be part of the WELS ministry called Light for Parents, which supports parents of children with extraordinary physical, mental, or emotional challenges. I believe that learning from parents like Kiara enables us to better support and walk alongside them.

Kiara’s daughter, Coralea, struggles to use her trunk and legs due to her CP, but she is not disabled cognitively. I asked Kiara how a typical week for her is different from the experiences most moms seem to have.

Kiara explained that since the CP affects mainly Coralea’s trunk and lower body, her mom must carry her everywhere and help with toileting and dressing. During the day, Coralea wears orthotics (lightweight plastic that is molded to fit her calves and feet, with hinges for limited movement). Coralea requires help with stretching and exercise twice each day. At night she wears resting splints to maintain her leg and foot positions, which impacts her sleep as well as that of her parents.

Five days a week, Coralea attends a preschool where her mother is a teacher. This allows Kiara to monitor and provide additional help to her daughter as needed. It also offers Coralea a chance to grow academically and socially.

Her parents take Coralea to physical therapy appointments twice each week. (The therapist wanted them to happen three times per week, but that was too much for the family.) As Coralea grows, she undergoes “serial casting.” This involves the application of below-the-knee walking casts to address contractures, or muscle tightening and shortening, by stretching and lengthening the muscles. In addition, she receives Botox shots every 3-4 months to help relax her muscles. These requirements add more medical visits beyond the therapy two times per week. In addition, all of these treatments require constant monitoring and communication with the insurance company.

Most of us would find this a challenging schedule, to say the least, but my friend is able to juggle all of that and still find a way to be positive and encouraging to others around her at the preschool and at church. I believe that her ability to deal with all of this comes from the Lord. God has provided her with a supportive family and friend group. She is also led to participate in Sunday services and weekly Bible growth groups to continue to learn and be encouraged from the Word.

When your child has challenges, is it always easy to be positive and not want a “normal” or “typical” day as a mother? No, it’s not. But over time the Lord teaches us that our schedules, though busy and chaotic, are the “new normal” he has placed in our path of service to him. Relying on him is what makes it possible, so that we can be up for whatever comes from day to day.

As fellow Christians, we need to support these parents or children with extraordinary challenges. We can support them with prayer, verbal encouragement, a text or phone call, a gift card for dinner, or even an offer to help with caregiving from time to time. Whatever form it takes, supporting one another is part of us joining Jesus on his mission of grace. Please take a moment to pray that you can be an instrument of support to the parents God has placed in your sphere, modeling his love for them:

Dear Lord, I don’t always understand what it is like for parents of children with challenges. Help me be open to helping them in any way possible. This may require me to step out of my comfort zone, but please give me the courage to do this, showering them with your love. Amen.

by Pam Schleg

Getting Your Child’s Disability Diagnosis: How Can I Walk This Path?

Sun, 16 Apr 2023 01:00:50 GMT

Getting Your Child’s Disability Diagnosis: How Can I Walk This Path?

I am the mother of a daughter born with a rare heart condition known as Ventricular Inversion with an L-transposition of the Great Artery of the heart, also known as LTGA. My daughter is now grown up and working as an occupational therapist. Recently, while watching home movies of her and my other daughter, I was reminded of the first time we received her diagnosis. She was about six months old.

This also made me ponder a question. How do other parents of children with physical, mental, or emotional challenges deal with their children’s diagnoses? How could we better support their parents?

I recently talked with a fellow mother at our church whose daughter is diagnosed with a mild case of Cerebral Palsy (CP). She struggles to use her trunk and legs but is able to keep up cognitively. Her mother shared with me some of the same thoughts and feelings that I believe most parents of children with challenges experience.

Let me give you a little background on my friend Kiara and her daughter, Coralea, whom her mother describes as “sweet but sassy.” Kiara had an emergency C-section when she gave birth to her oldest son, Camden. That caused her to have scar tissue, which affected her ability to carry her daughter to term. Her daughter, Coralea, was born at 30 weeks with Kiara experiencing severe bleeding and being close to death. But the Lord had a plan for this special mother, child, and family.

Coralea was in the NICU for 56 days. Kiara and her husband, Andy, had to drive 45 minutes to the hospital and back with a two-year-old, which added to the stress of the situation. Kiara reported that the hospital didn’t communicate well with her, especially on one occasion when she found an empty bed and was forced to ask where they had moved her daughter. Come to find out, they were keeping her in an area where they could better observe her heart related issues.

Even at that point, Kiara reports, none of the medical professionals had mentioned anything about CP. “I never saw any symptoms of CP. The medical team did three scans and didn’t say anything to me. At nine months old, I noticed that she wasn’t sitting right. I knew that something wasn’t right and I took her to physical therapy. They told me that she had CP and no one had really told me. It was an awful day.”

Everyone has a different story as to how they were told their child has a disability. Maybe you, like this mother or others, had a feeling that something wasn’t right and you went and got things checked out. No matter how your journey started, it is a difficult one. In the coming weeks, I would like to share with you some ways that other parents and I have been able to walk this road the Lord has placed us on. We can be successful at staying close to the Lord even while getting through daily life, navigating appointments and relationships with family and friends. You are not alone.

I have a plaque in my house which reads, “Be still and know that I am God.” No matter how many times we have moved over the years, this plaque and message has continued to be in a prominent place in our house as a reminder to me and my husband. Yes, God is in control, even when life is swirling around us.

by Pam Schleg

Hidden Christians

Thu, 23 Feb 2023 01:19:34 GMT

Hidden Christians

Originally posted in His Hands from the WELS.net .

Do you know most of the members of your congregation—or, at least, do you recognize most of the people who regularly worship at the same time that you do? If you belong to a smaller-sized church and worship regularly, you may be able to answer “yes” to both questions. In a very large congregation, you might not know all of the church’s members, but you may trust that the members of your church staff do.

However, it is very possible—even likely—that your congregation has members who are unknown to most others and possibly pretty unfamiliar to the staff. No, I’m not referring to members who are considered “straying sheep”—who are choosing not to attend worship or be involved in church activities. Nor am I referring to elderly members who once attended regularly but are no longer able to do so. Instead, I’m referring to other Christians who may be hidden from the congregation: parents of children with extraordinary challenges.

Through our work in the Light for Parents ministry, we often hear from parents who very much want to join in worship regularly and feel connected to other Christians, but have found this to be nearly impossible because of their child’s disability, medical condition, or mental health or behavioral challenges. Consider these examples:

Jim and Kathy realize that their child with sensory processing disorder cannot be in the sanctuary for a worship service because the sounds are so loud or the lights so bright that the setting becomes overwhelming.
Adoptive parents Tom and Grace know that their child, who has a history of being abused, is likely to be frightened by the crowd or by certain people in the sanctuary who appear scary, resulting in “fight or flight” behaviors.
Matt and Laura are concerned that their child who has a disability will loudly make involuntary grunting noises or call out words at random times, disrupting the service.
Sarah and Kevin, parents of a child with ADHD, know from experience that their child will not be able to stay in the pew for the duration of the service, but will need to walk around or even run during that time.
Kelly and Jacob are worried that their child, who has frequent meltdowns due to autism spectrum disorder, may have a meltdown at church.
Bill and Hannah, parents of a child with a medical condition that severely weakens their child’s immune system, are concerned about exposing their child to so many people in a relatively small space.
Greta and Phil, whose child is difficult to move from one place to another due to a physical disability, are exhausted from caring for their child’s needs each day and unable to imagine adding another difficult trip: the journey from home to church and back.

*All names have been changed.

These are just a few examples of parents who struggle to find opportunities to worship in church or get to know other congregation members. They stay in the background, often becoming very isolated from their fellow Christians. They are hidden within congregations.

These parents would love to be present at worship services. They would love to have the friendship and support of other Christians. They would love to serve others outside their homes. And they would love to have their children participate in the various children’s ministries that their church homes offer. Yet they remain hidden.

God tells us “Carry each other’s’ burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2, NIV). Now that you now about these “hidden Christians,” would you like to know how you can help carry their burdens and make it possible for them to play a greater role within the congregation? The first step is awareness—learning which parents in your congregation are isolated because of their children’s challenges and asking them their needs. Try saying, “I would truly appreciate the opportunity to be a blessing to you. How can I be helpful?”

The next step is making your worship services and children’s ministries accessible to all. This involves more than just having special parking spaces and ramps available. It involves letting isolated families in the congregation know that you truly want to make it possible for them to worship, and then building a circle of support around them and meeting their family’s worship and children’s ministry needs. As you do so, you may find that your congregation will begin to get a reputation as one that is very welcoming to all, and your ministry may grow as a result!

How to carry this out is a big topic, but Light for Parents is here to help. We have speakers available who would be happy to come share with your pastors, staff ministers, teachers, children’s ministry staff, and all members ways that your congregation can better open its arms to families of children with extraordinary challenges. A partial list of available topics can be found at www.lightforparents.com/speaking . Let us help you learn how you can be a blessing to your “hidden Christians”—and how they can be a blessing to you as well!

Written by Jane Mose

Light for Parents Program Coordinator

A Child's Privacy vs. Parental Self-Care: Finding Balance

Tue, 11 Oct 2022 01:29:19 GMT

A Child's Privacy vs. Parental Self-Care: Finding Balance

Parents raising children with extraordinary needs must make the same judgment call week after week, month after month, and year after year: Whom can I talk to about what’s happening with my child? Concerned parents know that their children need some level of privacy. We probably don’t want to share information like this with just anyone:

A child’s struggle with embarrassing problems, such as bed-wetting into the teen years, excessive fears, and over-sensitivities
An adopted child’s birth family history, including any trauma the child experienced before placement
A child’s behavioral issues and major meltdowns that happen on a regular basis
A child’s struggles with an addiction
The child’s diagnoses that have negative connotations and might even make other parents reluctant to allow playdates
Other mental health issues, such as the child doing self-harm or having a history of attempting suicide

We can all understand why it is important to keep these things private (outside of letting medical professionals, therapists, and teachers know what is necessary to work with your child). We want to protect our children from embarrassment and from being pre-judged by those who don’t know them. We want our children to have the right as they get older to decide how much of their personal information they wish to share. We want to recognize that once information is widely shared, future employers will probably know about it.

But when parents dealing with these challenging issues with their children every day, it can also be detrimental to those parents to keep what they are experiencing to themselves. Probably the biggest challenge faced by parents of children with extraordinary needs is isolation. Parents feel alone and overwhelmed in their struggles, but they want to respect their children’s privacy, so they don’t tell others what they are going through—after all, parents need to be self-sacrificing and put their children first, right? The obvious results for the parents can include exhaustion, stress, depression, anxiety, and mental and physical health problems of their own.

So, how do we parents of children with extraordinary needs balance each child’s need for privacy with our need for encouragement and support from others? It’s never easy, but here are a few thoughts that might help.

You can’t care for a child with extraordinary needs well if you don’t take care of yourself.

If you are exhausted, how can you cheerfully and lovingly care for a child with great needs? The same is true if you are under great stress, depressed, anxious, or suffering health problems. Having a network of people to support and encourage you can make all the difference. Sometimes talking with a friend can keep you from becoming discouraged and even help re-energize you! This will benefit not only you, but also your child.

Put together a circle of confidants, but keep the circle small.

It is important to respect your child’s privacy, but you also shouldn’t feel totally isolated with the challenges you’re experiencing. Carefully choose a few people whom you know you can trust, and talk with them. They can be close friends, extended family members, spiritual leaders—you know best who would be a willing listener and yet keep the information you share private. Reaching out to safe, trustworthy people will not destroy your child’s reputation and future.

Never put negative information about your child in social media posts.

It can be tempting to post the problems you are experiencing on Facebook or Twitter—you’ll probably get lots of supportive comments! But that information will then be on the Internet forever. If you do want to use social media to get constructive ideas from parents facing similar challenges, make sure you go to a private forum. Even there, avoid using your or your child’s real name or other identifying information. You should be able to get valuable tips without violating your child’s privacy.

Look to your church family for confidential support.

Each congregation is different, but consider the options in yours. Is there a pastor or staff minister to whom you can talk? Another parent of a child with special needs—possibly someone who is experienced but now an empty-nester? A special education teacher? A small group Bible study where information must be kept confidential? Jesus wants his people to show Christian love to one another. Someone in your congregation may be praying for the opportunity to support parents in this way!

Find a support group for parents facing challenges similar to yours.

Support groups usually have a “rule number one” that everything said in the group stays in the group. Try to find one that meets your whatever matches your situation. Many groups exist for parents who have adopted, parents of children with mental health needs, parents of children with specific diagnoses such as ADHD, autism, cerebral palsy, and more. In our connected world, we are no longer limited to what is available near our homes—virtual groups are available to meet online. This should definitely help reduce the isolation so many parents have had to experience in the past!

Remember that you are never alone.

God is with you. He knows the challenges you are facing, so you won’t be violating anyone’s privacy. And even though he knows everything that is happening, he loves you and your child more than you can possibly imagine. Talk to him everywhere you go. Pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Nothing will be more helpful to you—and your child!

by Jane Mose

(Adapted from a post on JaneMose.com)

Let Your Light Shine!

Mon, 03 Oct 2022 03:01:53 GMT

Let Your Light Shine!

The life of a special needs family so often revolves around seemingly never-ending appointments. Weekly visits with therapists become the norm. Every visit with a primary care provider seems to result in an additional scheduled appointment with a new specialist. On top of that are the care-coordinating appointments that require you to somehow recall the names and phone numbers of every therapist, doctor, teacher, and specialist that your child sees. (Am I the only one that hasn’t created a document for this yet?) While these appointments are important for the well-being and life-skill advancement of our loved ones with special needs, they can also feel daunting. Even if appointments are not anxiety-inducing for you or your child, it can be just plain tricky to keep everything straight, especially when you consider the other events and obligations of your family.

If you are able, take a step back and a deep breath in the midst of the meeting madness to consider how many people you come into contact with at each appointment. You likely see at least one therapist and receptionist at weekly OT, PT, and/or speech appointments. Do multiple ABA therapists come into your living space on a daily basis? When you visit the doctor, you are often first seen by a nurse and medical assistant. And, while you wait, you might encounter families who may also be supporting a child with extraordinary challenges.

The number of people, of souls, that you meet throughout your child’s many appointments is likely larger than you think. This means that there is also a great deal of kingdom work that can be done in these settings! Let us be advocates for our children AND for Christ as we let our lights shine in the places God puts us on a regular basis. Here are some tips for doing this:

1. Wear your faith. Do you have a cross necklace or t-shirt from a church event? Wearing these items to therapy appointments is a great way to share Jesus. Even if they don’t spark any conversations, others will likely notice that you are wearing something that points to Christ. If you choose to do this, remember to support your wardrobe with a positive and encouraging attitude!

2. Be available. Some days it seems like the waiting room is made for an hour of respite, while other days can be viewed as a chance to encourage others and possibly even share your faith. Be open to chatting with other parents or the receptionist in the waiting room, even if it means giving up a bit of “me-time” occasionally. By talking with others who may be in a challenging situation, they notice how you have time and concern for them. Jesus calls us to serve others, and by following through in this way, we reflect Christ’s love.

3. As for me and my household, we will serve the LORD (Joshua 24:15). Do medical or behavioral specialists come into your home to support your loved one? Do they see Scripture on the walls and faith-centered books and movies on your shelves? Our homes can be a great way to witness to the way we live our lives in thanksgiving to Christ for all he has done for our families.

Our Father has given us the gift of great (and big!) teams to provide for our loved ones with extraordinary challenges. God has put each of these people into our lives to support the well-being of our children. Let us not forget that God may be putting us into their lives for an even bigger and eternal purpose! May God bless you as your let your light shine for him!

by Becky Grefe

Serving in the Church as a Special Needs Family

Tue, 20 Sep 2022 03:40:23 GMT

Serving in the Church as a Special Needs Family

I see you, family in the back pew. I’m there with you. My family usually arrives to church after the first song finishes because we had to change that last-minute pull-up. My husband didn’t get to hear the sermon because he was busy whispering the Daniel Tiger theme song in my son’s ear to avoid the raspberry-blowing he would otherwise engage in. We dart out quickly after the service because one hour is about 20 minutes past the max attention span of our special needs family.

Does it seem to you that there are few, if any, families that look like yours? Does it feel like your son or daughter is the only person in your congregation with extraordinary social, physical, developmental, or emotional challenges? The truth is that there are likely many individuals with unique needs and skills within your midst; however, for individuals with disabilities and their families, it can be intimidating and downright challenging to get involved in their congregations. Perhaps supporting a child with autism or sensory processing challenges makes social events like church picnics or potlucks extremely nerve-wracking for your whole family. Maybe physical limitations mean that typical and visible roles such as ushering are not an option. A family may feel self-conscious about atypical behaviors that their child may display. (Cue the raspberry-blowing during the silent prayer!)

God has called each of us to serve in his kingdom. He created each of us with different strengths and abilities to do his work. This includes people with special needs and their families! Sometimes time commitments or personal energy reserves might be prohibitive in serving as part of a congregation’s ministry in major ways, or for a period of time. Yet with some creative thinking, families of individuals with special needs and their congregations can find some great ways to open avenues to service for all members. Here are just a few ideas to spark your imagination:

1) Be a greeter! Does your loved one use alternative communication such as an AAC device? Greeting might not be at the top of your list, but hear me out: Consider how supporting your loved one in greeting with alternative communication can not only help them get involved, but also educate other members about alternative and augmentative communication!

2) Get behind the scenes. If being involved in social events is a challenge for your loved one, consider some “behind the scenes” tasks to help the church. Can you prepare materials for worship, fellowship, or Sunday school? Would counting offerings be an option for your family? Check with your pastor or secretary to see what jobs you could complete at home.

3) Start small. Maybe you are a parent to several young kids, including one with a significant disability. You may feel like you can’t effectively volunteer because you need to keep your eyes on your children at all times. This may be true, but churches often have a wide variety of tasks that need to be completed, and every little bit can help. Don’t discount your ability to help and serve because you can’t do something big. Find something small and dive in!

4) Support a special needs ministry. If you are reading this, you likely have a heart for people with special needs. Do you have the time and passion to start a dedicated special needs ministry at our church? Would you enjoy providing spiritual, emotional, and physical support to people with disabilities and their families within your congregation? This is a vital ministry opportunity, and Light for Parents can help you get started*.

God has carefully and purposefully created each of us. Through the Spirit, we are all equipped to do his work. Serving in the church may look different for special needs families, but that service also contributes to God’s kingdom. Don’t take my word for it; our heavenly Father’s calling is crystal clear:

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:10, NIV)

May God bless you and your congregation as you discover how your family can best serve!

by Becky Grefe

*If you are interested in starting a special needs support team in your congregation, please send an email to lightforparents@gmail.com . We have a great deal of resources and would love to help you get started!

Five Things Adoptive Parents Wish You Knew

Mon, 05 Sep 2022 01:10:00 GMT

Five Things Adoptive Parents Wish You Knew

In many ways, parents whose children have entered the family through adoption are just like other parents. They love their children and want to do their best to take care of their children’s physical, spiritual, emotional, academic, and social needs. But parents who have adopted also face some unique challenges that they wish their loved ones understood. Perhaps I’m being presumptive in writing this, as I can’t speak for all parents who have adopted. But as a parent who has adopted and who has many friends who have done the same, I think I can say that most of us wish you would understand the five statements that follow.

1. We adoptive parents don’t identify our children by how they came into the family.

We don’t say that our children are adopted, but rather, were adopted. We don’t have adopted children and birth children. Whether our children entered our families through adoption or through birth, they are simply our children. Some parents will even quip, “We have some children through adoption and some through birth. We can’t remember which are which.” While that’s a bit of an exaggeration, we don’t want any of our children to be referred to as “the adopted children.” And we definitely don’t want people to ask, “Did you adopt them, or are they your own?” All of our children are our own.

2. We don’t love children we have adopted any less than children who are born to us.

After we began the process of our first adoption, we found out that I was pregnant. I’ll never forget the phone call I made to the adoption worker at our agency. When I told her I was pregnant, she said the adoption was off. When I asked why, she said, “Because you won’t love an adopted child as much as a birth child.” My first thought upon hearing this was that this person had no business working in an adoption agency. If you believe that parents can’t love children who were adopted as much as they love children born to them, why would you place a child into that home through adoption? No matter how a child enters a family, good parents love that child more than words can express.

3. Our children probably have extraordinary needs.

All children who have been adopted have been through trauma. They have lost their birthparents. Even if a child was well cared-for in a foster home and came into the adoptive home at a very young age, that trauma is still there. This is not to say that every birthmother should choose to parent her child in order to avoid this trauma; other factors must be weighed as well. It does mean that the child who was adopted is likely to have the types of academic, behavioral, and emotional special needs that are common among children who have experienced trauma.

Many children who have been adopted also faced other types of trauma, such as abuse or neglect, before being placed with their forever families. In addition, children often come with unknown health problems, especially if they were adopted internationally. It is important to adoptive parents that their extended families and friends are understanding and patient with them, as raising their children may take an extraordinary amount of the parents’ time and energy.

4. We adoptive parents are afraid that you might make negative judgments about us, especially if we ask for help.

As stated in the third point, because of their backgrounds, children who were adopted may have extra academic, behavioral, and emotional challenges. But people easily judge the parents of those children. Comments such as these are fairly common: “If I were raising that child, I’d discipline him, and he wouldn’t act like that.” “If only the parents would work more with this child, she wouldn’t have these problems with schoolwork.” “I don’t know why these children act like this. They were adopted so young that they can’t even remember what happened before then.”

Parents of children who were adopted may be hesitant to let you know about their challenges because they fear you’ll judge them as bad parents. They also may be afraid to ask for help for fear that you’ll say, “You chose to bring this child into the family. Since it was your decision, you need to deal with the results.” You’ll need to let adoptive parents know that you may not understand their challenges (especially if you have never adopted), but you know those challenges are real and want to support the parents.

5. We adoptive parents aren’t saints or heroes.

We don’t want our children to be told, “You ought to be grateful that your parents were willing to take you in!” That is a way to lay a permanent guilt trip on our children for being adopted, even though they probably had nothing to do with the decision! Also, while adoption is a starting point for life with a new family, it is also an ending for the child's life in their first family. This makes adoption both a happy and a sad occasion for the child. And although the child who finds a loving family and a forever home is blessed through adoption, so are the parents and siblings of that child. While Christian parents may adopt out of love for God, because he tells us to care for orphans (see James 1:27), those parents also eagerly look forward to having a child–or, another child–to love.

Those of us who have adopted children don’t seek your admiration. But we truly could use your love and support.

by Jane Mose

(Adapted from a post on JaneMose.com)

Parenting with Hyper-Vigilance

Tue, 30 Aug 2022 01:28:45 GMT

Parenting with Hyper-Vigilance

Hyper-vigilance. It’s a term often associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It refers to living in a constant state of anxiety and awareness–always being “on guard.” We understand why soldiers returning from war zones struggle with hyper-vigilance. But most people don’t realize that a large percentage of parents raising children who have extraordinary special needs also live in a constant state of hyper-vigilance.

Here are just a few examples of what parenting with hyper-vigilance is like:

The phone rings during the school day, and a mom’s heart skips a beat with the fear that the school is calling to say her child has had another seizure.
A dad takes his son to a playground but stays within arm’s reach of him the whole time, concerned that his boy might run away or start a fight with another child.
A parent who just left home remembers, “I forgot to lock up the cabinet with the knives!” and calls home in a panic, realizing that the depressed teenage daughter at home may find them and use them to cut herself.
A parent of a child with fragile health constantly washes and disinfects surfaces, watches to make sure no one who has a cold gets close to the child, keeps the child close whenever at the doctor’s office in order to avoid touching germy surfaces, and becomes frightened at the first sign of any possible sickness in the family.
As a mom shops with her son, she keeps surveying the store, thinking, “The announcements over the P.A. are too loud. The lights are too bright. There’s too much stimulation in this aisle. I can’t find a checkout lane without candy displayed. What if he has a meltdown before I can check out with this full cart?”
Parents avoid going to church as a family because they are afraid that their child will have an outburst during the service or run around the sanctuary.

Many more examples are possible, but you get the idea. Parents who have children with extraordinary needs often develop this hyper-vigilance naturally as they learn to take care of their children. But hyper-vigilance takes an enormous toll on parents emotionally, physically, mentally, and even spiritually. If you recognize signs of hyper-vigilance in your parenting, here are some things you can do to reduce the negative impact on you:

Don’t compare yourself to parents of children without extraordinary needs.

Your parenting may seem over-anxious and overprotective when you compare it to the parenting style of your friends, but their children don’t have the same needs as yours. (If they did, those parents would probably be hyper-vigilant too!) You have learned to be hyper-vigilant because you love your children and want the best for them. It’s not something you can completely remove from your life. But acknowledging that you are living in a state of hyper-vigilance is the first step toward taking care of yourself and using coping strategies.

Give yourself a break.

I know—we’ve all been told that we need to take some time away from our children and relax as a couple or with friends, but that’s not easy to do when raising children with extraordinary needs. Taking a break may not be as easy as hiring a teen-aged baby-sitter and going out for a night, as no teenager may be able to handle your child’s unique needs. But you do need breaks. If you have family members or friends nearby, tell them what you are going through. Ask if they would be willing to learn about your child’s needs so that they could give you an occasional night away. If you have no one close by who can do that, at least tag-team as parents, giving one parent, then the other, the opportunity to have a fun night out with friends.

Join a support group.

Raising children with extraordinary needs is very isolating, and it can seem as if no one can truly understand what you are going through. But your community may have support groups available for parents of children with all sorts of needs: children with cerebral palsy, children with mental illnesses, children who were adopted, children with attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder, children with autism, and much more. Your child’s doctor may be able to help you find what you need, although often a quick Internet search will work just as well.

Going to a support group—or joining an online one—can help you by reducing your feelings of isolation, giving you a chance to share your story in a safe place, helping you learn coping tips from other parents in similar situations, and more. Again, it can be hard to get away if the group is in- person, but talk to the group leader. It is likely that other parents have had the same obstacle, and the group might have worked out a way to make it easier to attend.

Make your physical and mental health needs a priority.

We parents of children with extraordinary needs tend to prioritize our children’s needs above our own–I get it! But no one can do that indefinitely without it resulting in serious health problems. Here are some ways to prioritize your needs:

Realize that there is nothing wrong with saying “no” to the types of volunteer commitments that most parents are expected to make. You need a lot more time and energy than the average parent just to keep your child safe and healthy.
Give yourself permission to go to bed on time every night, even if the house isn’t clean and the paperwork isn’t done.
When you grocery shop, get healthy foods that are easy to grab quickly so that even when you’re rushed, you can eat healthy items (think meat and fruits) rather than grabbing a bag of chips. Consider using online grocery shopping so that you can order good foods ahead, pick them up at a designated time, and avoid all the challenges of shopping with children.
Get some exercise each day, even if it’s walking around your yard or house or working out with an exercise video.
Most importantly, take care of your mental health by spending time each day in God’s Word, by doing deep-breathing when things get stressful, and by seeing a counselor when the stress is getting overwhelming.

Keep in mind God’s love and his promises to you.

Thinking about God’s love and his promises have been huge for me—I often wonder how I ever could have gotten through our most challenging situations as parents without my faith. At various times, the future for one child or another has seemed bleak. Whenever that happens, I remind myself that God loves my children even more than I do, and that he has promised to make all things work for the good of those who love him. (See Romans 8:28.) He also has a plan for each of us, including children with extraordinary needs. (See Jeremiah 29:11.) And when I don’t know what to do as a parent—which is often—I can trust in him for wisdom. (See Proverbs 3:5,6; James 1:5.) God loves me, the frazzled, hyper-vigilant parent, and he loves you too. Go to his Word and pray to him, and you will find rest (Matthew 11:28).

by Jane Mose

(Adapted from a post on JaneMose.com)

Dear Teacher, I Want You to Know…

Sun, 07 Aug 2022 19:39:53 GMT

Dear Teacher, I Want You to Know…

The new school year has already begun in many parts of the United States, and in other areas it will begin soon. In my time as a special educator and as a parent of children with extraordinary needs, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback from other parents about what they truly wish their children’s teachers would understand. If you are a parent of a child with extraordinary needs, perhaps you could share this list with your child’s teacher(s), highlighting the ones that are most important to you.

Dear Teacher, I want you to know that…

1. I have dreams and goals for my child that you should know about. Like any parent, I have hopes for the future for my child. If you would ask me about my dreams and goals for my child and then help us work toward them, I would be SO appreciative!

2. I might have difficulty being open with you about all of my child’s challenges. I might be afraid that telling you about those challenges would predispose you to have a negative attitude toward my child and not want them in the classroom. I might also have tried to open up to teachers previously and had a bad experience as a result. You will need to gain my trust so that I can be open with you.

3. I might not be able to be as helpful to you as you would like. Raising a child with extraordinary needs can be exhausting. You might not fully understand the time spent going to appointments, carrying out various therapies at home, and even trying to teach basic skills of daily living to my child. In addition, after working hard to stay regulated all day in the structure of school, my child might be letting loose with energy and explosive behaviors after school and in the evenings. All of this takes a physical and emotional toll on me as a parent. As a result, I might need breaks during the school day rather than volunteering at school or going on field trips. And I will probably not be able to enforce school discipline at home or consistently help get homework done, which brings me to my next point.

4. My child may need reduced assignments and less homework. If my child is on ADHD medications that wear off at the end of the school day, completing homework in the evening is often nearly impossible. If my child has learning challenges, they need a break to relax after struggling to complete work all day in school. Homework might take my child much, much longer than it takes for their classmates, and having conflicts and crying over schoolwork each night is not good for my child (academically or emotionally) or our family. Please reduce the amount of homework as necessary to meet my child’s unique needs.

5. I need to hear encouraging words more than guidance from you. If you haven’t parented a child with the same unique needs as my child, you really don’t understand what it’s like—and even if you have, my child is still different from yours. I know you’re trying to be helpful when you tell me what I “should” or “need to” do, but this can come across as pressure from someone who doesn’t fully “get it,” and it can make me trust you less. But I would really appreciate words of encouragement from you about the good things you see in my child and the loving job I am doing as a parent!

6. I am the expert on my child. Other than God, no one knows my child better than I do. I’ve spent time with my child and gone to many appointments with specialists treating my child, listening to what they have to say. I’ve also done my own reading and research and might have sought out other parents in similar situations for support and input. I would appreciate your showing that you value my expertise by asking my advice when you have questions about my child. You could ask me questions like, “What works best for you when…?” and “Do you have any tips for me about…?”

7. When my child is having a meltdown or explosive anger, they are not giving you a hard time; they are having a hard time. Children with disabilities like autism and sensory processing disorder, as well as children whose brains have been rewired by early trauma, often respond to situations with greater anxiety and fear than expected. This is often expressed as anger or meltdowns and needs to be responded to with calm reassurance. Your ability to stay calm will help my child feel safer.

8. It is scary for me to leave my child in your care. I know my child’s challenges, and it is difficult for me to leave my child with a new person to handle those challenges. When I leave my child with you, I am trusting you to be patient and caring with my child.

9. I need to have more positive contacts from you than negative ones. If you only contact me to tell me about problems my child has, I will eventually feel that you are looking at my child as a problem, not a child. Please let me know the good things you are seeing. Call me or send me a note when you see academic and behavioral improvements, no matter how small. Share with me the positive things you see in my child!

10. I want your awareness, but not your pity. My child is a blessing, both to me and to you, and is a precious child of God. Sometimes I feel guilty asking you to put in the extra time and effort necessary to meet my child’s needs, but like any parent, I want what’s best for my child, and this year, I feel that what’s best will be working with you! Please look on my child as a blessing from God, rather than a label. More than anything, I want you to be thankful to have my child in your room, just as I am thankful to have my child in my life. And remember—I am thankful for you as well!

by Jane Mose

Five Ways to Make Worship Sensory-Friendly

Sun, 31 Jul 2022 15:13:18 GMT

Five Ways to Make Worship Sensory-Friendly

Families with children that have extraordinary needs long for a place of comfort, rest, and community. Yet often, they shy away from attending worship, where these things can be found in abundance. Reasons for this vary and are different for every family’s needs and situation. However, there are ways that our congregations can support these children and in turn, welcome families back into worship with open arms.

Visual and auditory sensitivities in your place of worship

Some children with extraordinary needs experience sensitivity to loud sounds and bright lights. Now, imagine your sanctuary with the eyes and ears of someone who would experience it in these ways. What do you observe? Perhaps your sanctuary has a tile floor and tall ceiling that causes an echo. Maybe you have bright, canister lights on the cross toward the front of church. Maybe you have a beautiful, loud organ that plays wonderful music every week.

These features aren’t a bad thing. In fact, they’re blessings! But they might cause a child with visual or auditory sensitivities a high amount of discomfort. To make it more possible for children (and adults!) with sensory issues to attend worship, consider implementing a “sensory friendly” service on a regular basis, using the tips that follow. The service could be held in your regular worship space or in an area designed specifically to meet sensory needs. Here are just a few ideas for you to take into your worship space:

1. Add rugs or carpeting to the floor of your sanctuary. This will absorb sound and lessen any echo. If the congregation prefers the acoustics of tile or hardwood floors in the sanctuary, you could either have a “sensory friendly” service in a large, carpeted room in your building, or stay in your sanctuary but lay out rugs in the sanctuary only during that special service.

2. Place child-sized and regular-sized noise-canceling headphones on a rack near the worship area. Include a small sign that explains what they are and that they are disinfected after every service.

3. Purchase light bulbs with a lower wattage for accent lights. Walk around the sanctuary, and ensure that the bulbs are not visible from any seats. If you have fluorescent lights, you could purchase cloths specially made to cover those, often using magnets. (A quick search on Amazon will bring up examples.)

4. Consider bringing a piano into your worship on certain Sundays or during a certain service instead of using the louder organ.

5. Make sure that your church’s audio system is of high quality. Crackling and distorted sounds can be overwhelming. Keep the volume at the minimum level needed to ensure that the message and music can be heard.

Is there anything your church shouldn’t do? Cry rooms are a wonderful resource, but never make a family feel as if that space is their only place to go in church, making them feel unwelcome in the sanctuary. Also, don’t ignore feedback about sensory sensitivities in your place of worship; instead, listen to concerns and work together to find solutions.

Of course, more ideas are available to make worship comfortable for everyone. Please share with us your ideas and stories about how your congregation has made worship more sensory friendly by sending a message to staff@lightforparents.com or commenting on Facebook!

by Erin Stob

Five Strategies for Doctor’s Office Visits

Tue, 19 Jul 2022 00:46:27 GMT

Five Strategies for Doctor’s Office Visits

Do you spend long days in doctor’s offices? As a parent of a child with extraordinary needs, these days probably come up. Long wait times in a quiet room can quickly become stressful, especially if your child and their siblings are very active. Here are five activities and strategies for you to support all of your children’s needs during days like these:

1. Use the children’s play area.

Many doctors’ offices have a simple children’s play area. Sit with your children in this area. Support your children’s unique ways of playing, whether that be reading them a story while their siblings build with blocks or locating soft toys for them to play with.

2. Bring along the stuffies.

If your child has a comfort animal, bring it along with you to the doctor’s visit. Appointments can be stressful, and your child will benefit from having that added soothing toy. Plus, they will have their own toy to play with instead of feeling that they have to play with items they aren’t familiar with.

3. Play “Magazine I-Spy.”

This game may work with any of your children. Sit next to them with a children’s magazine and play I-Spy by saying things like, “I spy a green sock” and having them look for the object on the page. You can also bring along a children’s illustrated Bible and play the same game to pass the time.

4. Draw pictures of the doctor.

If you are visiting a new doctor, have your children draw what they think the new doctor will look like. This activity can create a small level of excitement about heading into the office, reducing anxiety. If you are visiting a doctor you’ve been to before, encourage your child to draw a picture of the doctor doing something unique, such as riding a zebra. You can talk about it afterward in the car or even give the pictures as a present to the doctor.

5. Ask for help.

It’s no easy task to take care of a child with extraordinary needs and the other members of your family. So, before your day of doctors’ appointments, ask for God’s help while spending time in his Word. Pray for patience when you need it, and cast all of your anxiety about the day at the feet of Jesus.

Remember, you are not alone. Not only do you have a God who loves you and your child, but you also have a community of Christian parents cheering you on. For more time with Jesus, read our devotions. God’s blessings as you continue to nurture and care for his precious lambs!

by Erin Stob

Encouraging Creativity in Children with Extraordinary Needs

183:813038951 (Paul Mose) — Sun, 10 Jul 2022 21:14:49 GMT

Encouraging Creativity in Children with Extraordinary Needs

Experiences that encourage children to practice their creativity and express themselves can significantly help some cognitive functions. Moreover, these experiences can also help children emotionally. However, children with special needs often need help with some aspects of art and other forms of creativity. For instance, if your child has impaired fine motor skills, it may be difficult for them to hold a pencil or brush. If your child cannot see or hear well, they may not be able to hear instructions or see the medium they’re working on.

So, how can you as a parent help encourage and support creativity in your children’s lives? Here are five strategies you can implement today.

1. Make materials available. Create an art box with whatever they enjoy doing. They might like to finger paint, draw, or even color in coloring books. If the mess is intimidating, include a mat (or even tarp!) that you can drape over a table or floor space for easy clear up.

2. Build. Creativity isn’t all about making pictures or collages. Some children’s creativity manifests itself in construction. Blocks (wooden, cardboard, or LEGO® blocks) are great to have on hand, but building can also be done with old toys, empty cardboard boxes, and some tape. You can also encourage construction play in a sensory bin.

3. Ask open-ended questions. Questions that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no will stimulate creative thinking in your child. Examples could be, “What would it be like to be an eagle?” or “What would it be like to have a superpower?” If they ask you a question, ask them what they think the answer might be.

4. Read or tell stories. Books can help your child with special needs understand the world around them and themselves. Finding books about feelings can encourage them to process and state how they feel. Encourage children to write or tell their own stories when they are ready!

5. Go for a discovery walk. Even if your child is in a stroller or wheelchair, you can allow them to explore. Narrate the walk as you go, or give your child binoculars. Point out birds, trees, and cars driving by. Ask questions about what you see, or tell your child a story about the cat that just crossed your path. Or perhaps your child could make up a story about the cat—the more imaginative, the better!

Of course, the topic of special needs is very broad. Every child will have their own way they like to express creativity. So, watch for what your child enjoys and encourage them in their pursuits. Every child will show creativity differently. Your job is to provide the materials and experiences that they desire to stimulate that creativity. I think you will enjoy seeing and hearing the results!

by Erin Stob

Five Meditations for the Waiting Room

Mon, 04 Jul 2022 13:04:01 GMT

Five Meditations for the Waiting Room

Chances are: you did not anticipate being here. The birth of your child was probably an exciting time, full of hope and joy. And then, the diagnosis came, and it felt like your life had flipped on its side.

Now, you find yourself in the hospital waiting room. Maybe it’s the first time. Maybe you’ve lost count of the procedures. Maybe you are full of hope that this will be the last time you sit, patiently awaiting news.

It’s times like this that you internally shout “SOS!” Here are five of the best SOS Bible passages to meditate on in the waiting room.

Philippians 4:6,7 Direct your thoughts.

It’s easy for anxious thoughts to spiral in this situation. Instead, try to direct your thoughts into prayers. Ask for healing for your child and strength for yourself. Tell Jesus what is happening. Describe the room. He is listening to your prayers. He provides both peace and protection.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6,7 (NIV)

Psalm 40:1 and Isaiah 30:18 Remember that God is with you.

We know that waiting is a part of life. Yet, that feeling of wanting to know what will happen (or what will not happen) can overwhelm us quickly. Thankfully, God hears your cries for help. In fact, he longs to hear you ask for it.

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. - Psalm 40:1 (NIV)

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. - Isaiah 30:18a (NIV)

Hebrews 4:16 Trust that mercy and grace are yours.

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. - Hebrews 4:16 (NIV)

We like this passage because it doesn’t promise the outcome we hope for. As a parent of children with extraordinary needs, you are familiar with the answers to your prayers being “no” because God in his wisdom knows that is the best answer for now. Yet, God grants us grace—his love, which we don’t deserve—to help us when we need it most. Ask for this grace as you wait today.

Isaiah 40: 28-31 Know that where positive thinking fails, God’s Word thrives.

As you know, you can’t control a situation with positive thoughts. Simply thinking positively will not guarantee good news. But, God’s Word never fails, and neither does your salvation in Christ Jesus. This passage beautifully depicts the strength that God has, as well as the fortitude his believers gain from him.

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. - Isaiah 40:28-31 (NIV)

Spend time in these meditations the next time you are in a waiting room. Try to focus your thoughts on the encouragement of these words. Remember that you aren’t alone, and that Jesus and his angels are surrounding you .

by Erin Stob

Activities for Children with Tactile Sensitivities

Mon, 27 Jun 2022 00:04:59 GMT

Activities for Children with Tactile Sensitivities

Children with extraordinary needs often face unique challenges. One of these common challenges is sensory sensitivity. For those with tactile sensitivities, a small touch may feel like a strike, and certain textures of food may seem completely unappealing.

Of course, this is not news to parents of children with sensory processing disorder. Sometimes these tactile sensitivities are a daily challenge faced by the entire family. But some activities can help children regulate their emotions that surround sensory issues. Other activities will help them remain focused on something interesting, rather than on the uncomfortable sensations. You might want to try one of these activities today:

Sensory Boxes

Sensory boxes are fun for indoor and outdoor play. They can be as simple or complex as you want. Here are some sensory box ideas.

Pour a thin layer of water in a plastic container. Let your child touch the water slowly. They may just enjoy the feeling of the water on their fingers. Make waves in the water by gently blowing on it, and show your child how to do the same.
Similarly, fill the container with sand, dirt, or mud. This natural play is a great way for a child to experience the world outside in a controlled way. The textures of these materials may also be interesting to the child.
If your child is a picky eater due to sensory issues, put food in a clean sensory box. Play games with your child with the food so that the child can be familiarized with it in a fun way.
Make an edible dough similar to Play-Doh™. Include 1 cup of flour, 1 cup of salt, and a half cup of water. Knead the ingredients in a bowl, and place the bowl in your sensory box. Encourage your child to play with the dough, squishing it between fingers, rolling it, and forming different shapes.

Finger Painting

This is another activity that is fun indoors but can really be enjoyed outdoors as well. Painting can be very calming for children with sensory issues and other challenges. Finger painting allows them to explore textures, smells, and colors in a personal way. Finger painting outside helps them let loose—you won’t be worried about a painting mess, and they will be able to express everything their body feels.

When you can, include God’s Word in sensory play with your child. Here are a few ideas:

While you play with the water, tell the story of Moses parting the Red Sea or Jesus walking on the water.
Talk about Jesus’ temptation by the devil in the wilderness while you play in sand or mud.
As you feel and play with various types of food, tell your child how Jesus fed five thousand people using one boy’s lunch.
While finger painting, remind your child of how God created a rainbow in the sky after the flood ended and Noah left the ark.

Activities are extra-special when parents and children do them together and especially when they are connected to wondrous stories of God’s love!

by Erin Stob

Creating Time in the Word

Sun, 19 Jun 2022 01:34:27 GMT

Creating Time in the Word

Being a parent is a busy calling. “To-do” lists of laundry, dishes, meal prep, and everything in- between often seem never-ending. When you become a parent of a child with extraordinary needs, even more gets packed on top of that list. You may have multiple therapy or medical appointments to drive to in any given week, or even each day. You might be responsible for helping your loved one complete activities of daily living such as eating, going to the bathroom, and dressing. Tasks in general likely take longer, resulting in less time for that to-do list, let alone other fun or enriching pursuits.

With such hectic schedules, finding time to dig into God’s Word and speak with him in prayer can be a big challenge for families with unique needs. The physical and emotional demands that we daily attend to over and over again can become tremendous. When we are weighed down by the challenges of this life, Jesus invites us to come to him for rest:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

How can we do this when it feels like nearly every waking minute is already accounted for in caring for our loved ones?

Parents of children with extraordinary needs tend to be creative thinkers by necessity. When new challenges arise, we often need to “think outside of the box” to find solutions that suit our children’s needs. Let’s get innovative in finding simple ways to get in the word, even on our busiest and most challenging days! Here are five ideas to consider when searching for time to walk with Christ on our extraordinary journeys:

1) Say a prayer of thanksgiving while brushing your teeth.

We brush our teeth every day. It is great time to multitask and focus on the blessings that God has showered upon us. Not only do we grab a few extra minutes with the Spirit, but by focusing on thanksgiving we can start and end our days on positive notes!

2) Find a great Christian podcast.

Perhaps you need to drive to and from many appointments during the week. Consider using that time to tune into an encouraging podcast centered on Christ. A great one to check out is “Little Things” with Amber Albee Swenson from Time of Grace Ministry.

3) Start your “to-do” list with the Word.

Do you use a “to-do” list to guide the activities of your day? Consider choosing one short passage each week to write at the top of your list every morning. This practice can help us to engrave God’s precious words on our hearts and keep them fresh in our minds as we tick items off our lists throughout the day.

4) Text a friend encouragement from Scripture.

If you’re learning a new passage, try to find a quick moment to text it to a friend. By reaching out to someone else, we can get outside of our own challenging situations, even if just for a minute or two, and become a blessing to others.

5) Play Christian music.

Many people like to play music in the background while they go about their daily business, whether that be at work or at home supporting loved ones. Try tuning into Christian praise music or hymns as you have opportunities throughout the day. Music can stir our hearts in wonderful ways to know and praise our Savior. Our days may be packed and our plates full of responsibilities. That reality makes it even more vital to seek our heavenly Father first. He is ready and eager to spend precious moments with us, even when we need to get a little creative to make it happen. God desires to walk with us on our journey to serve our loved ones, and as we do, he promises to bless us: I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1,2)

What creative solutions have you discovered in seeking time with the Lord? Message them to staff@lightforparents.com . We’ll compile them and share them on our website. God bless your efforts!

by Becky Grefe

Fear Was Our Worst Enemy: A Look Back at Foster Parenting Traumatized Children

Sun, 12 Jun 2022 21:24:24 GMT

Fear Was Our Worst Enemy: A Look Back at Foster Parenting Traumatized Children

I’ll start with a disclaimer. I am not the parent of a child with special needs. I don’t have any training in that regard, either. However, my husband and I fostered two children who had suffered tremendous abuse at the hands of their parents for their entire lives. The physical and emotional scars made them children with special needs. I’m sure we made many mistakes, but somehow these lovely people survived and are thriving in their adult lives. I thought it might be helpful to someone considering fostering traumatized children to know what our foster children, now that they are adults, think you should know.

It breaks my heart when my foster daughter (I’ll call her Charlie for privacy) tells me about her constant anxiety and sense of “fight or flight” after she and her brother (I’ll call him Mike) were taken from their abusive home. “Fear was our worst enemy,” she told me. I admit to her now, although I didn’t then, that I was full of fear myself.

We did not set out to become foster parents. I don’t think it ever crossed our minds that we should bring traumatized kids into our home. We were happy with our two active and successful children. We were busy. We didn’t think we needed more children in our home, but God had other plans. These two children were relatives of people we knew, and an attempted foster care placement had been unsuccessful. My husband was on-board immediately because he is just a better person than I. He worked very hard to convince me that this was the right thing to do, and I eventually—and reluctantly—agreed. What a blessing that decision became!

We had Charlie in our home for three-and-a-half years, from ages 15 to 19. Mike was initially with us for one year, from age 11 to 12. For reasons that don’t need to be discussed here, we needed to separate the siblings for a while. Mike lived in three other places between his two times with us. For the most part, they were good experiences. He came back to us again for his junior and senior years of high school and has since shared many of his thoughts with us. Charlie is now 29, and Mike is 25. These are the things they want you to know:

1 – Protection is essential.

It was obvious how full of fear our kids were. They had been abused by the people who were supposed to love and protect them, and they had no idea whom they could trust. Even after their parents went to jail, they were still afraid that something might happen and they might be sent back to live with them. Fortunately, they had found adults they could trust at the children’s home where they spent the first few months after their rescue. Charlie remembers having to make the decision for herself and her brother if they wanted to live with us. It was a particularly difficult decision because she felt responsible for her brother’s well-being. Even after moving in with us, she was still unsure if we were trustworthy. We needed to make it clear that we would protect them. To allay their fears, we actually used the words “you are safe here, and we will protect you.” Then we let it go and waited for trust to grow.

It also helped to show them that we were on their side. Their parents had managed to manipulate many people for many years into thinking that they were innocent. The kids needed us to believe them and to be in their corner. Charlie remembers: “They stood up for me in court against my parents and made sure I never had to go through that horror again.”

2 – Give them privacy.

This is huge because it’s so natural to want kids to open up so that we can be supportive. We want so much to hear their stories, to let them know that they are safe, and to wrap them in our arms. No matter how curious you or others might be about the trauma the children endured, however, remember that you are their foster parent and not their psychologist. We had great counselors who came to our home to meet with the kids. Our dog even functioned well as an untrained therapy dog. The counselors listened to the kids and helped them with their emotional needs. We waited. Sometimes, it was hard to wait, especially

when Charlie crawled out of her bedroom window only to sit in the limbs of the big tree in our backyard. She needed space to grieve, but it was hard to leave her be.

I realized giving her privacy was the best thing we could have done when she said later, “They did not make me open up to them about my past, but as time went on with them in their home, I chose to open up and tell my story.”

Mike says, “As much as you want to know the details of what happened, it isn’t a good idea to ask the kid. Ask the social worker if you really need to know, but understand that the child probably doesn’t want to talk.”

Mike had a terrific therapist who was able to help him work through many issues, and he did not need us for that. He also did not need us to be his friends. He tells me that he does feel connections with friends who have been through trauma because you really can’t understand it unless you’ve lived it. We hadn’t lived it, so we couldn’t be those special friends for him. What he needed was for us to be parents. So be patient and don’t feel like you need to know everything.

3 – Let them be normal.

When our foster children came to live with us, we had two biological children at home. It was obvious that the new kids were different and perhaps needed to be treated differently. We tried as hard as we could to recognize and acknowledge the differences without making a big deal out of them and while trying to treat them the same way we treated the other children. Part of that included giving them the chance to try and perhaps to fail at many things they previously had been denied. Charlie played sports and took horseback riding lessons. Both kids went to church camp. We encouraged Mike’s interest in photography and computers. These choices cost a lot of money, much more money than the government gave us, but it was money well-spent, even if they quit the activity quickly. These experiences made them feel normal. They made them feel like part of the family and like we cared about them the same way we cared about our other children.

Charlie said, “For once in my life I was not scared to be a normal kid. I was given freedoms that I never had before, like being able to go to school and learn to drive. I was able to go places and have the fun that I never had before. They never once made me feel like I was different because of my trauma and what had happened to me as a child. Instead, they just loved me more.”

Along with giving them a chance at normal experiences, they needed to deal with natural consequences for poor behavior as well. When Charlie started driving, she got a ticket for making a left turn out of the school parking lot. She was terrified to tell us about it. Even though she had already been with us for two years, she had been so conditioned to expect abuse that she truly thought we might beat her or withhold food from her. Knowing that this was in the back of her mind, it was tempting to just pay the ticket and let it go without any consequences. We did not do that, nor did we overreact. She was so happy not to be abused that she gladly took the small consequences we gave, and she learned to take responsibility for her actions.

Another time, Charlie cheated on a test and was kicked out of a school program that had been very important to her. I did not try to fix it for her. I told her she had to suffer through the results of her actions. I did try to protect her reputation though. I contacted her teacher to explain that she had never been to school and was not taught right from wrong at home. She was still learning. It was a difficult time for Charlie, but at least she knew I was still on her side. At one point, Mike was in a home where the parents had specialized training to deal with his emotional needs. He says they mostly did a good job but that he never felt like part of the family the way he did with us. They were so focused on following the rules of the specific program that they often forgot to or were unwilling to treat him like he mattered as a person and not just an obligation. From his perspective, they loved their biological child but thought of him (Mike) as a burden and maybe even as a source of income. This situation leads me to my next piece of advice:

4 – Public acknowledgement that this child belongs to you will go a long way toward helping them heal.

Even if the child is going to be with you for a short time, including him or her as part of your family will make the child feel less awkward and afraid. This is even more important if the situation is like Mike’s was where the family with whom he lived were a different race. It wasn’t that they were racist or didn’t like him as much because of the color of his skin. It was just that they did not take the opportunity in public situations to fold him into their family, to say to people who may have looked at them strangely, “Yes, he is my kid!”

Mike needs my husband and me to say those words to him even now that he is all grown up. He is about to get married, and we offered to pay for a rehearsal dinner and a few other things to help out. He hadn’t expected us to offer, but we told him, “Mike, you’re our kid!” The proclamation that we claim his as our own still brings him to grateful tears.

5 – Find a way to control your emotions.

This is the area where I made the most mistakes. Mike was a difficult child. He wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. I tend to have a quick temper. Our two personalities were definitely at odds sometimes. My biological kids knew me well enough to know that even if I yelled at them about something, I still loved them. They knew Mom was angry, and they fixed their behavior. The one time I became frustrated and yelled at Mike, his immediate response was to sink to the floor and lift his hands above his head in a defensive movement. I stopped in my tracks, promised I would never hurt him, and apologized for yelling. What a wake-up call!

However, the fact remained that there were times I needed to vent my emotions. My best friend refused to speak to me for two days because I said something publicly at church about Mike’s behavior. Please don’t make that mistake. Find a trusted friend and share your frustrations privately in an atmosphere where that friend can encourage you without the whole world knowing what is up.

6 - Model healthy behavior.

Yes, we needed to be parents to our traumatized foster children. They needed our love, our protection, and our respect. But it was also our responsibility to show them how to be healthy people.

Mike knows that his father did not treat him as a father should and did not show him how a man should behave. Thank God, Mike had two great foster dads who took on that role for him. It still means the world to him today that he had these two amazing yet completely different foster dads who cared for him in ways his biological father had failed him. He strives to emulate their Christian behavior, their moral strength, and their compassion toward others.

Charlie is married and has three children of her own. She looks to our marriage and parenting style to help her along the way. We were the model of a loving family that she did not experience in the first 15 years of her life.

Our bio children turned out to be masterful at this modeling thing. Without even knowing it, they became the examples of happy and successful people that Charlie and Mike needed. Although they still get on each other’s nerves from time to time, the four of them have remained friends and true siblings. One of the greatest joys of my life has been watching them participate in one another’s weddings. I have a beautiful photo of my daughter on her wedding day with Charlie, who was six months pregnant at the time. The caption on the photo came from Charlie: “Today, I got to be in my sister’s wedding. I’m so happy!” That little baby now calls me Grandma. What joy!

Finally, and most importantly: Show them Jesus and pray for them!

Before we agreed to take in these kids, we made sure the social workers knew that we were a church-going family and that we expected to take the foster kids to church with us. Thank God they never rebelled against this. Even when Mike lived with other people, he still attended our church. We never made a big deal out of church attendance being a rule. I think if we had, the kids probably wouldn’t have liked it. Church attendance and family prayer and devotions were simply a part of our everyday lives, like having dinner together and attending one another’s life events. Forgiveness became a huge topic of conversation in our home. We talked about how Charlie and Mike would someday be able to forgive their parents because Jesus had forgiven them. We constantly told them they were loved and forgiven by God even if no one in the world ever treated them with love.

And we prayed–with them, for them, in front of them, away from them. We prayed, and God answered our prayers even in the most difficult days.

In the end, we were God’s instruments of love to two traumatized children. It all worked out. I pray that it will work out for you as well. Don’t let fear be your worst enemy. In Charlie’s words, “I wanted to be loved and cared for and protected from my past. I finally felt safe and loved, and at the time that was all I needed.” I suspect that is all any of us needs.

Knowing What NOT to Say

Mon, 06 Jun 2022 02:27:19 GMT

Knowing What NOT to Say

Have you ever been talking with parents and had them mention that their child has a long-term medical condition or disability? In this situation, you might wonder exactly what to say. After all, you want to support these parents in their journey. You want to prove that you care for them, and that you want them to succeed.

However, sometimes our words get ahead of us. We can’t fully know what these parents are going through unless we have gone through this situation ourselves—and since every situation is unique, even then we probably don’t know. So, let’s take a look at three things to avoid saying to parents when you learn about their child’s special needs.

1. “I’m sorry.”

You’re probably saying this to show the parents that you feel for them. You want them to know that you understand. But what this phrase really portrays is a negative comparison between their child and others. Parents love their children as they are and want others to see their child the same way.

What to say instead: Ask about the child. Learn something about that child. Find out hobbies, likes, and dislikes.

2. “Your child looks normal!”

You probably want to offer some level of comfort to the parent. Or maybe you legitimately think that the child’s looks are an important characteristic to point out. Unfortunately, saying something like this does far more harm than good.

First, the child might hear you say this. Young ears take phrases like this in, and children learn to compare themselves to others. Now, they will wonder, “Am I normal?” when they do not need to consider this otherwise.

Second, saying something like this will not comfort the parent. In fact, it may anger them. Saying their child appears normal also implies that they could have seemed abnormal or even bizarre. Again, parents want you to see who their child is as a person.

What to say instead: This depends on the child’s age. Point out the cuteness of a baby with special needs to the parents, the same way you would to the parents of any baby. For older children, it is usually best not to emphasize their looks, whether they have disabilities or not. It is better to compliment them on something they created, a story they told, or an act of kindness.

3. “God only gives us what we can handle.”

You’re trying to share Christian comfort with this family. Unfortunately, this statement is not true. God often gives us what we cannot handle, so we need to seek him for strength. Implying that God should give parents only what they can handle firmly contradicts those moments where parents need help. Think of Job or Hannah in the Bible. They were both given great burdens by God. But they sought his strength rather than their own.

What to say instead: Let the parents know that you will keep them in your prayers. Better yet, say, “Do you ever need any help? It would be a blessing to me to be able to do something for your family.” Suggest possibilities like baby-sitting, running errands for the family, or doing household repairs.

Do you know parents of children with extraordinary needs in your congregation? Consider starting a Light for Parents team within your church to support those parents. Contact Light for Parents for resources to get started!

by Erin Stob

Five Activities for Siblings During a Hospital Stay

Wed, 01 Jun 2022 01:45:49 GMT

Five Activities for Siblings During a Hospital Stay

If your child has extraordinary needs, that child may need to stay in the hospital for a surgery, procedure, test, or observation. This time is emotionally difficult for every family member, including the siblings of the child. As a parent, you want all of your children to feel safe and peaceful. But how can they feel calm in such a troubling environment? There are a number of fun activities you can use to entertain little children while they wait for

their sibling to come home. Here are two useful at-home activities and three for waiting in the hospital room.

Activities for Siblings at the Hospital

1. Try coloring! It may seem simple, but bringing crayons and paper along to the hospital opens a myriad of possibilities. Give your child prompts by asking them to draw how they’re feeling, what the doctor looks like, or where they would “drive a bed on wheels”!

2. Bring along the hospitalized child’s favorite game. If the child is well enough, playing this game with siblings could be a fun distraction. If not, your other children will enjoy playing a game their brother or sister loves.

3. Read a children’s Bible story. There are many lovely Bibles written for children at your local bookstore or online. Gather the family in a quiet moment for a story time centered around the best message: Jesus’ love for them.

Activities for Siblings at Home

In the post-pandemic world, your other children may not be allowed to come to the hospital to visit their sibling. That doesn’t mean they won’t be affected by the event. The key is to acknowledge what is happening in a positive way, so that siblings feel open to talk about how they feel.

1. Create hospital room decorations. Chances are, your children know each other’s favorite colors, characters, and stories. Encourage them to draw pictures, make “Get Well Soon” banners, and write in cards. These activities will get your children talking about their sibling, and you will be able to help them through the conversations. Then you can decorate the room when you visit and show siblings pictures of the decorated room when you return.

2. Record special messages for the child. Ask siblings to tell funny stories, take silly pictures, and record funny videos. You can share these with your child when you visit the hospital.

Of course, encourage your entire family in daily prayer. Thank God for the marvels of modern medicine, ask for strengthened doctors, and pray that healing comes swiftly. No activity is more important or helpful!

by Erin Stob

What To Do When Frustration Takes Over

Tue, 17 May 2022 22:52:51 GMT

What To Do When Frustration Takes Over

Frustration is an area that not many parents want to talk about. We worry: “Does this feeling make me a bad parent?” Or, we feel guilty: “My child can’t help that he needs my attention; why can’t I let this frustration go?”

But we’ve all been there. After all, being the parent of a child with extraordinary needs has its own level of stress and frustration, as well as blessings. The trick is to handle your frustration in a healthy way, rather than an uncontrolled or guilt-ridden way. Here are some tips on how to handle frustration and high stress in the moment:

1. Acknowledge the feeling. This might mean literally saying “I am frustrated” aloud.

2. Freeze your hands and take a breath. This might sound more like something you would tell your child. But, sometimes, briefly stopping your movements can help the frustration seep away.

3. Change your perspective. Instead of telling yourself, “My child is giving me a hard time,” try this: “My child is having a hard time.”

4. Take a quick break. Even if your child is crying, it is ok to take a step back and allow yourself to re-center. As long as you know the child is safe and not hurt, take a minute around the corner to breathe and refocus your thoughts.

5. Call a friend or family member. If you need a longer break, don’t hesitate to ask for help. In fact, it's a good idea to have an honest conversation with trusted friends or family members before frustration sets in. Ask them if they are willing to be your backup in a situation where you need to step away. Then, when you need help, give them a call to take over for a short while so that you can decompress.

6. Forgive yourself. Parents often put incredible guilt on themselves because they weren’t “good parents” or didn’t “do enough.” How wonderful is it to know that Jesus did everything perfectly so that we don’t have to! Rest in your salvation, and forgive yourself for your parenting mistakes. Then go to your child and have a “redo” to make things right. Jesus is giving you the strength to be the parent your dear child needs.

7. Pray! The Bible tells us to cast all our anxieties on God because he cares for us (1 Peter 5:7). This includes your frustrations. Tell God all about what is troubling you, and pray for patience and strength. Your God is listening, and he sees you every day.

Experiencing frustration with parenting doesn’t make you a bad parent. And modeling how best to handle frustration when it comes can actually help your child learn to do the same. Lean on the trusted people in your life for help, and most importantly, lean on God. He is ready, willing, and able to help.

By Erin Stob

Six Stress Management Techniques for Parents

Mon, 09 May 2022 00:49:19 GMT

Six Stress Management Techniques for Parents

If you are a parent of a child with extraordinary needs, you have a lot to do. You need to handle that child’s medical care, daily cares and routines, school challenges, and possibly various types of therapy. On top of all that, you also need to care for your other children, your spouse, other family members, and yourself. This might include holding a job that financially supports the family and much more. All this can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, and stress. Is there an easy solution for how to juggle all the needs you and your family members have? Probably not. But using effective stress management techniques can help. Here are six stress management techniques you can try this week:

1. Break your “to do” list into small chunks.

It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you see the long to-do list of life ahead of you. So, as the song goes, “Do the next right thing.” Break your list—and your day—into small, attainable chunks. Then look only at the next task ahead, rather than at the whole list. You may find that you don’t feel overwhelmed as quickly.

2. Ask for and accept help.

While it may feel as if you need to do everything on your own, that may not be true. If a loved one offers help, accept the welcome break. If you are uncomfortable receiving the type of help offered, think of a phrase like “I need to handle that task myself, but it would really help us out if you were willing to [insert action here].” That way, you will avoid adding more stress to the situation. And if no one realizes how overwhelmed you are, don’t be afraid to let someone know and ask for help. You may be surprised at just how eager other Christians can be to support you; they just aren’t aware of the need! Allow them to be blessings to you, which is a blessing to them as well.

3. Take a day off.

“Impossible!” you might say, and that may be true. But even if you can’t take an entire day off from caregiving, try to allow yourself a day off from a task that has been stressful to you. It might be something small, like laundry. Or it might be something big, like dealing with an insurance company. If possible, allow yourself a short break, and return to this task refreshed the next day.

4. Start a journal.

Journaling is a popular way to relieve stress because it allows you to express how you feel. Don’t set any rules when you journal. Write whatever you need to, whenever you want to. Or, set a timer and unload your emotions for a few minutes. Don’t think about what to write; just allow a “stream of consciousness” flow from your thoughts to the paper. Sometimes, releasing negative “what-if” thoughts can help you move on from them. Better yet, turn your writing into a prayer journal! Let the thoughts flow, and then go back, read them, and use each thought as the basis for a prayer to your loving, heavenly Father.

5. Exercise your body, outdoors if possible.

Exercise naturally reduces the levels of the body's stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. As little as ten minutes outside has also been found to reduce cortisol levels. So, take your child for a walk on a sunny day. Do yoga while your child sits in the sun. Stretch on the grass as you sit next to your baby. Play “catch” or a yard game with your child. You’ll reduce stress for both of you and increase your positive connections with each other at the same time!

6. Exercise your faith.

Is there a worship song you love? Listen to it as you’re with your child. What about a particular passage that reminds you of how Jesus cares for you? Post it on a mirror or near your sink—somewhere that you will see it. Driving to appointments? Listen to the Bible or a Christian book in the car. Spending even a small amount of time in the Word can give you a taste of heavenly comfort. And pray for God’s help to get through your stressful days. Remember Jesus’ promise in Matthew 11:28: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (NIV). What a blessing to be able to go to Jesus for rest for our minds, bodies, and souls!

by Erin Stob

Parent Interview: Raising a Child with Mental Illnesses

Sat, 21 Mar 2020 21:46:22 GMT

Raising a Child with Mental Illnesses

Raising a son with mental illnesses is a challenge one boy's parents never expected to face when they adopted him.

I'm calling this boy Joey to protect his privacy. Following is my interview with Joey's mother.

What were the first warning signs you had about Joey's mental illnesses?

Some of the signs started when he was an infant, as we noticed he did everything possible to avoid making eye contact with other people, even his parents. Then when he was around two years old, maybe a bit younger, he started having problems sleeping every night. Every night for many years Joey woke me up with blood-curdling, terrified screams in the middle of the night. Usually it was once per night. I'd go to his room, comfort him, and have him lie down again, and he'd sleep for the rest of the night. But the next night, the same thing would happen. When he became old enough to tell me about his dreams, he would say that he was seeing terrible, violent acts in his dreams every night.

Another early warning sign was when Joey was around three years old. He had always been very resistant to playing outside. One day I insisted that he play out in the backyard for a while. He was unbelievably frightened! He stood in the yard, screaming in a way that could only be described as pure terror, until I brought him inside. Again, as he got older, he became more able to tell me what was frightening him. It was usually something small. He would see something like a spider on the side of the house, and even if he was a hundred feet away from the house, he was sure the spider would get him.

What happened when Joey reached school age?

His intense anxiety got debilitating. He developed trichotillomania, meaning he would pull out large sections of his hair. He was afraid to step out of the house, especially at night. He was afraid to use restrooms outside of the home, which made going to school very difficult. He was afraid, even in the middle of a bright, sunny day, to walk from the second story of our house to the lower level, or vice-versa, without someone with him. He couldn't get himself to go into the basement or the garage. Eventually, he even started having auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations. He would often scream, and it would be hard to calm him down.

What did you do to get help for Joey?

Joey saw lots of professionals who tried many, many things to help him. He received lots of different therapies, and he was put on meds that were changed all the time, as were his diagnoses. Sometimes things would go better for a while, and then things would get very challenging again. It was like living on a rollercoaster--lots of ups and downs.

How did people around you react?

I don't think they knew what to think. When incidents happened in public, of course, we got very odd and often condemning looks from others. Our kids told us that the neighbors heard lots of screaming in our house and assumed it was us yelling at our kids. We didn't tell them or most people that we knew that it was Joey because we wanted to protect his privacy and reputation. We did tell our immediate families what was happening, but they didn't really seem to understand or take steps to help. We couldn't take a break and get away as a couple because there was no one who could take care of Joey. It was extremely isolating!

How could fellow-Christians have supported you throughout those years?

I don't blame them for not doing anything to help us because, like I said, we didn't really tell too many people what we were dealing with at home. I think that if mental illness had been talked about at church sometimes in a way that would have let us know that we and our son would be supported in our struggles, we might have told more people what was happening and asked for help. Certainly some respite breaks would have been great, or even some help with household chores like cooking, cleaning, and doing repairs would have been huge, as taking care of Joey while also meeting the needs of his siblings took an extraordinary amount of time and energy, and that left very little time for routine tasks.

What advice would you give to parents who are in a similar situation right now?

Be selective, but do tell more people than we did about what's going on. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Mental illness is becoming more understood all the time. Give your fellow Christians the blessing of being able to help you get through it without having to feel so alone. You know that God is with you and you can take all your struggles to him. Allow yourself to also share your struggles with the people he has placed on earth to be his hands and feet.

Parents Who Don't Say Much

Mon, 20 Jan 2020 02:46:34 GMT

Sometimes you might notice that your friends don't say much about their children and the challenges they face as parents. If your friends are parenting children with extraordinary challenges, here are five reasons they may not be very open about their struggles.

1. They don't think you'll understand.

Parents of children with extraordinary needs hear what most parents' parenting challenges entail--things like sibling rivalry, lack of effort in school, messiness at home, too much time in front of screens, and so on. Meanwhile, they are dealing with more extraordinary challenges. Parents of children with exceptional physical and mental health needs may be dealing with such things as the following:

Daily trips to doctors and therapists
Struggles to get crucial medical equipment and services for their children
So many hospitalizations and surgeries for their children that the parents have lost count
The need to take three hours per meal to feed their child, with the remaining hours in the day also filled with caregiving, and no one who has the ability to baby-sit
The decision about whether or not to place their child in a mental hospital
A child having many, possibly dozens of screaming and destructive rages each day
The constant need to advocate for their children in the schools and elsewhere, often resulting in roadblocks and the need to find other options

It is understandable that parents who are facing these types of challenges think you won't understand--and, actually, if you've never shared similar experiences, you probably won't fully understand.

2. They don't want to be perceived as complaining about their children or feeling negatively about them.

Parents of children with extraordinary needs are still parents, and their children are, first and foremost, their precious children, and secondly people with challenges. Parents may be afraid that if they speak about the extreme challenges they are facing, you will think they don't love and want their children. This feeling can be multiplied if the parents adopted. They may fear that if they speak about the challenges they face, others will say (or at least, think), "It was your choice to adopt. You shouldn't complain about the results." Talking with others about their parenting challenges is a normal and healthy way to deal with stress and even seek help from caring friends and family. It does not indicate a lack of love for their children nor any regret about having them.

3. They want to respect their children's privacy and protect their reputations.

This can be especially true of parents who have children who have mental illnesses. For children who were adopted, for example, trauma they experienced prior to and throughout the adoption may be resulting in severe behavior problems. Parents may have difficulty explaining why their children have such severe behavior problems without sharing their children's backstories, which may be very private. Parents may also fear that if they share their children's emotional difficulties, word will get around and their children will be excluded from friendships, social events, and even schools and recreational activities. Parents often are also very concerned about embarrassing their children by talking about their private problems, whether physical or emotional.

4. They don't want to impose on you.

Parents who are raising children with extraordinary challenges may be facing a lot of heartache and stress. They may feel that by sharing information with you, they will cause the same for you. This can be particularly true of extended family members--thoughts such as, "We can't tell Grandma. We don't want to worry her," are common. You may need to be intentional about letting those parents know that it's ok to be open and honest about struggles; you can handle it, and you want to be supportive.

5. They are afraid you will judge them as parents.

Again, this can be especially true of parents who have children with mental health and/or behavior problems. We all know that health problems and physical disabilities can happen to anyone. But not everyone understands that mental health and behavior problems can also happen to anyone, even children in homes with wonderful, loving parents. Parents may be afraid that you will give quick, overly simplistic advice, such as, "You just need to discipline him/her." For children who have experienced trauma or have other mental health problems, there is a lot more to recovery than that.

Now that you know why your friends or family members might not talk about their children and their challenges, it's time to consider how you can encourage them to open up to you and let you help. We'll look at that in the next post.

Seven Ways Christians Can Help Struggling Parents

Mon, 13 Jan 2020 02:46:34 GMT

When a couple gets married in your church, you pray for them, and their fellow-Christians promise to support them throughout their marriage. But what do you do when they become parents of a child with extraordinary challenges?

Parents of children with extraordinary challenges are in your congregation. You might not know who they are, but they are there, working hard every day just to meet the needs of their child(ren), and usually feeling very much alone. You might wish you could help, but you don't know how. Here are ten ideas that may give you a start.

1. Let parents know that the Christians in your congregation are ready and willing to be supportive without being judgmental.

You probably will need to enlist the help of your pastor, principal, and others in the congregation with this one. Perhaps they know of parents facing extraordinary challenges but are keeping that information confidential. Ask them to let those parents know that they can contact you for help if they wish. Encourage your pastor to mention in sermons how sometimes parents face big challenges through no fault of their own, pointing out that this gives fellow Christians opportunities to show Christian love. Mention the same ideas in church newsletters. Pray for struggling parents during worship services, asking that God would give them the boldness to ask for help and that he would bring forward helpers ready to serve.

2. If you know of a family that has a child with a severe disability, a chronic medical condition, a mental illness, or another extraordinary challenge, be specific in asking the parents how they are doing.

We all know that when we say, "How are you?" to others, most people will respond with a quick, "Fine." If you know parents with extraordinary challenges, be more specific. Try something like, "I know it must take a lot of time and energy to meet your child's special needs. How can I help?" Check the resources page on this website for specific things you could offer to do. Even if you get turned down at first, don't be afraid to make the offer again in the not-too-distant future. Perhaps by offering a second time, the parents will realize that you really do want to help. Let them know that it would be a blessing to you to be able to help them out.

3. Find ways to help anonymously, without letting the parent know in advance.

Most families with children who have special needs also have a lot of extra expenses for therapies, medications, special equipment, and the like. You could help alleviate the financial pressure by purchasing a gift card for basics like groceries and gas. Include a card saying that a fellow-Christian wants to support all they do as parents.

4. Give the parents a break and a chance to socialize.

Another church couple inviting the parents out to a restaurant or over for a home-cooked meal might be appreciated by those parents more than you can imagine, since raising a child with extraordinary challenges often leads to great isolation. If possible, have someone in mind who could offer to baby-sit for the couple. If they are unable to leave their child with someone else due to the child's special needs, invite them to bring the child along to your house for a meal. If that still doesn't work, you might want to give the parents separate breaks. One mom taking the other out for coffee while Dad watches the child(ren) could give her a much-needed break. Soon after, the dads could get together while Mom stays home.

5. If you have raised a child with similar challenges, let the parents know!

Parents of children with severe challenges usually feel extremely alone. Letting them know that you have had a similar experience gives those parents someone to talk with. Let them know you are ready to listen and empathize, and that they can call you at any time if they are needing someone supportive to talk with.

6. Offer to teach their child God's Word in a one-on-one setting.

If you notice that the parents are unable to bring their child to church, Sunday school, or a parochial school without great difficulty, offer to teach the child about Jesus one-on-one. Children with disabilities may need instruction tailored to their special needs. (Check out Christian Educators for Special Education or Jesus Cares Ministries for help--see the Resources tab on this website.) Children with severe health problems may need to be taught in their home. What a blessing you could be to parents if you would be willing to teach their child God's Word on a regular basis!

7. Pray for the parents.

Pray for the parents and the child by name, daily, and if appropriate, let the parents know that you are doing so. Never underestimate the power of prayer!